Dear OOO,

I’ve a coworker who all the time asks my recommendation on navigating conditions at work. Sometimes it’s about working with purchasers, generally about difficult relationships within the workplace, generally extra common profession stuff. She could be anxious about these items, and her requests for recommendation typically require lengthy discussions. I contemplate this coworker my pal, and I’m blissful to assist, however she by no means really takes the recommendation I give! Then she comes again to complain in regards to the end result. And asks for much more recommendation. I don’t know why she’s even asking as a result of she’s by no means going to pay attention. It’s not that I believe my recommendation is all the time proper—I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time, a lot much less what anybody else ought to do—however seeing it ignored each time is annoying. Should I inform her to go ask another person?

–Diane

Diane, I used to be with you till you mentioned you don’t assume your recommendation is all the time proper. It is actually annoying when individuals depend on you for recommendation however routinely ignore the substance. But it’s principally annoying, to me anyway, as a result of my recommendation is ideal in all conditions and so anybody who ignores my recommendation is clearly harming themselves by selecting the mistaken path.

I jest (kind of…), however I do assume your unsureness speaks volumes. If you’re projecting a insecurity in your individual recommendation if you speak to your colleague, she’s not going to take your ideas notably critically. Are you saying to her “I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time, much less what anyone else should do”? Maybe you might be undercutting your self, so she questions what you’re saying just because you’re questioning what you’re saying.

Of course, I don’t suggest false bravado in advice-giving. It is a solemn accountability, one assigned fastidiously solely to trusted associates and random web bozos. You shouldn’t act such as you really feel 100 p.c safe about your reply on a delicate subject if you don’t really really feel 100 p.c safe.

So what to do? If you see a transparent reply to her dilemma, say so clearly and persuasively. If you might be on the fence, speak her by means of your thought course of. She might even convey you questions that you just really feel completely unqualified to reply, and you may inform her that too! Suggesting different individuals to seek the advice of when relevant is certainly an vital device within the advice-giving toolkit, and one I encourage you to make use of. You say this coworker is a pal, so she ought to respect honesty about how assured you might be in your individual ideas.

But there could also be an much more elementary disconnect happening right here. Sometimes a coworker or pal who involves you pleading What ought to I dooooooo? genuinely desires your reply to that query. But extra typically, in my expertise, what they really need is to only speak by means of the choices with somebody they belief. You appear to see your conversations being about coming to a concrete reply, however I believe it’s attainable that your coworker thinks of you as extra of a sounding board than a guru.

When you’re doling out recommendation in a dialog as a substitute of in a column on the web, your finest wager is to ask quite a lot of questions. Start with the hallmark of profitable romantic partnerships: “Are you looking for a place to vent, or do you want advice?” Listen fastidiously to the reply—if she simply desires validation that one other coworker is being a jerk, your enter on the way to deal with him just isn’t going to be welcome.

Even if she tells you explicitly that she desires recommendation, although, that doesn’t essentially imply your position is to play a human Ikea instruction booklet with numbered steps. We all say we would like another person to resolve our issues for us, however all of us understand that’s not really doable. You won’t be the one particular person she’s asking for recommendation, however even if you’re, you’re not crucial voice on the problem—she is. So add to your questions ones that can information her considering: What are you most enthusiastic about? What are you scared would possibly occur? What’s the best-case situation, and the worst? What occurred the final time you tried an identical method? By the tip of your dialog, she’s going to probably have clarified her personal considering with out you having to challenge precise directives for no matter dilemma she’s going through.

If she hasn’t, be at liberty to challenge your suggestions, however do it with out getting your individual ego too concerned. Just as a result of she chooses a distinct path doesn’t imply she doesn’t respect your considering; she wouldn’t preserve coming again to you if she didn’t. And if all else fails, inform her you’d love to assist however you already know a random web bozo who’s all the time trying for extra strangers’ problems to solve.

More Great WIRED Stories